The Internet is a Bridge

This post is not about Magic the Gathering. If you normally read my blog to hear about me rant about card values, format changes, draft strategy, constructed failings or other analysis, come back next time. This time i'm going to talk about myself as a person. I expect to get some negative feedback from some of this. Fine. Sometimes you just have to say what you need to say to be honest and open about who you are and what you're about.

Most people who follow me on twitter (or read my blog for that matter; did you know that about 95+% of my closest friends don't even know I have a blog? They know i have a twitter but dont follow because they have no interest in Magic.) haven't met me in real life. Those who have, haven't spent much time with me, and don't know much about who i am as a person. I'm okay with that. I like engaging with people and the experiences and e-friendships gained in the process have been extremely valuable to me, but thats not how it started.

Many of you started following me within a day or two of me joining Twitter. I had only recently branched out from the curious kitchen-table player who was relearning the game after 10+ years away. I had joined StarCityGames premium service, and read Patrick Chapin's, Next Level Magic and at that time was my first realization as to how much strategy there was to the game, and how much high level competition was actually available to gamers. This stage carried on for about a year. I started drafting a ton, and really learned the ropes, spent a lot of time reading, practicing, asking questions, and just straight drafting. Eventually, I felt like I was knowledgable enough to actually get involved in the SCG forums instead of just lurking. I didn't really consider myself "trolling" at the time, and I really don't think I was a troll in general, but Ocassionally i'd leave a snarky remark here or there, usually mixed in with a post that actually had content I thought was relevant. One day, there was an article on SCG about PTQ structure, I believe authored by a PTO. In the forums people were ranting and crying about the profiteering that the PTO's engage in during PTQ seasons. While I don't agree with that stance at all, many did. Steve Menendian maybe didn't take it that extreme, but did go on to rant about a variety of changes that would improve PTQ experience/quality over all (in his opinion). Initially, I disagreed with some of his points, and tried to engage, but i wasn't really getting a response from him. He was focused on picking apart trolls arguments labeling them as Ad Hominem attacks or Straw-man arguments. Eventually some notable pros started chiming in, and before the end of the day, the entire forum was name-calling and essentially shunning Steve and everything he had to say. Someone must have advised him to take the conversation off-site because, to put it bluntly, you shouldn't shit where you eat. Steve picked the conversation back up at salvation, and once i heard about that I followed, and the trolling (see: Bullying) continued. By the end, I had a twitter account, and was rabblerousing people to chime in on the corresponding forum conversations that were going on, and I also was using the same forum posts to promote my newly founded twitter account in the signature. That day, i picked up a handful of followers, and a few of them were influential enough that likely created that chain that is the reason why you follow me now, whether you knew this or not.

From then on, I used twitter as my dump for my commentary on all internet content regarding Magic. As a result, i met some people, and learned that Twitter is really much more than a forum. There was a day after about 6-9 months on twitter, when I was notified i was nominated for some award on some blog i hadn't heard of (and dont remember). There was an "Angriest MtG community perosn on twitter" or something like that. I was nominated, and so was @dr_jeebus. At the time i was shocked. Angriest? Me? and I started looking over my post history. Someone not knowing me readign this thinks i'm an angry troll. It turns out they were right. I see a lot more of my own life than the people on Twitter see, so I didn't really judge myself based on my twitter feed alone. But looking at it objectively, there was no other way to describe me. This also coincided with a time when @marshall_lr (@marshalllrcast at the time) asked me why my real name was not listed on my account. it all kinda struck me at the same time. i was using the internet anonymity to personally separate this awful side of me from myself! As long as I felt other people didn't associate that behavior with the "real me" i didn't associate it that way either. I rationalized it as "I dont want people to find me and see my M:tG obsession out of context." or "Employers might see this..." (Jeebus used this one today) there were plenty of others. At that time, i decided to put my name on my Twitter. And I did. Immediately, my behavior changed. It took little to no effort. The key is: I DIDN'T WANT TO BE THAT GUY! And I didn't think I was. As an anonymous person on the internet, I thought i was filling the void of what people wanted. I thought it was entertaining. While I dont think i was actively /mean/ to anyone, i was behaving in a way I never would in any other context, and that didn't make me feel good. Now, Twitter is a pretty awesome place for me. I've met local players via Twitter, also people globally that i hope to meet at future events, and even total jerks that I just enjoy reading their thoughts. This change happened a long time ago, and i'm comfortable with the fact I made some mistakes, but have moved on.

Separately from all of this, I've been doing a lot of introspection lately. A lot of stressful things have been culminating for me, and also some skeletons are crawling back from my closet, among other things. I've been reading a book about Authenticity and Shame, and it reminds me of the type of behavior I experienced in my early Twitter days. I remember how inauthetic that person was, and how shamed I felt when I realized that I didn't want that behavior associated with myself. I dont know what @Dr_Jeebus is goign through. I've never been a fan of the guy, and I'm not saying whoever outted him was wrong (or right) in doing so. Maybe none of this phases him. Maybe he's really 100% troll all the time, and its not just an anonymous gag. But my gut is telling me that he's either having (or will have) a similar realization now that his "bully/troll schtick" is now associated with his "Real Self." Is he comfortable with that? Maybe he is. I wasn't, and it made me feel like shit. Super shit. Like that most uncomfortable, musta-ate-something-rotten shit. And I feel for him. I feel for him, whether he feels this way or not. I empathize with the realization that anonymous behavior is still something you, as yourself has done. And I empathize with the courage it takes to admit that "I am Chad Havas, and I did things on the internet anonymously that I am not proud of, and would never endorse with my own name." Maybe he's not ready to do that. Maybe he is. But this blog post is about me, and not him. In either case, the internet is a bridge for everyone. I stopped living underneath it like a troll, and used it to connect myself to places that were otherwise unavailable to the real me.